Written By: Stephen L. Cawelti, CFLS
Stephen is a board-certified divorce attorney who has handled complex family law matters in California since 2006. He earned his J.D. from Loyola Law School, holds a B.A. in Psychology and Child Development from USC, and has served as lead counsel in hundreds of cases across Southern California.
After more than two decades as a divorce lawyer in California, I’ve sat across from hundreds of people at one of the lowest points in their lives.
Over the years, one thing has become remarkably clear to me: very few divorces come out of nowhere. The patterns are consistent. The regrets are almost always the same. And the warning signs were usually there long before anyone walked through my office door.
Every marriage is different, and there are no guarantees. But these are some of the lessons I’ve learned after decades of experience as a divorce attorney.
The Top Reasons I See People Divorce
Different Money Mindsets
In my experience, financial disagreements are one of the most consistent precursors to divorce.
It’s rarely about how much money a couple has. Rather, it’s about how differently they think about it. One spouse is a spender; the other is not. One is involved in the finances; the other is completely in the dark.
When couples aren’t aligned on money, it creates a strain that compounds quietly over years. By the time it surfaces in my office, it’s often been building for years.
Parenting Differences
I’ve also seen more marriages end over parenting disagreements than most people would expect.
Couples who seemed perfectly compatible before kids often discover they have fundamentally different views on discipline, structure, and the kind of environment they want to raise their children in.
These aren’t small differences. They touch on core values, and when they go unresolved, they create a divide that’s hard to close.
Infidelity & Emotional Neglect
Infidelity is an obvious one, and it does come up often.
But I’d argue emotional neglect is just as damaging, and far more common. It’s the slow withdrawal. The unspoken resentment. One or both partners stops feeling seen, and they stop trying.
Infidelity often follows. So does divorce.
Marriage Advice I Give as a Lawyer Who’s Seen the Aftermath
I’m a divorce lawyer, not a marriage counselor. But when you spend more than 20 years watching marriages unravel, you start to recognize where the threads first came loose.
So when friends ask me for marriage advice, here’s what I actually say.
1. Talk About Money Together
It’s fine for one spouse to take the lead on day-to-day finances. What’s not fine is the other spouse being completely uninvolved or uninformed, even if they don’t express an interest.
Both of you need to be engaged and aligned on managing joint finances, even if you agree that it’s not an equally split job. How money is organized, spent, and saved. Ignorance isn’t bliss in a marriage, it’s a liability.
Make it a regular conversation, not a source of shame or conflict.
2. Have the Parenting Conversation BEFORE You Have Kids
Before you become parents, talk openly about your expectations.
Will you raise your children in a religion? How do you feel about discipline? What rules matter to you? What kind of childhood do you want them to have?
These conversations feel abstract (until they’re not) and by then, it’s much harder to find common ground. Do it early.
3. Learn How Your Partner Handles Stress
Every person copes differently. Some shut down; others lash out. Some need space; others need connection.
Understanding how your spouse responds under pressure, and letting them understand how you do, goes a long way.
And don’t be afraid of couples therapy. I can’t tell you how many clients have said, “We should have gone sooner.” Therapy is not a sign that your marriage is failing. It’s a sign you’re taking it seriously.
What People Wish They’d Done Differently Before Seeing a Divorce Lawyer
By the time someone is sitting across from me, the marriage is usually over. But almost without exception, there are two things people say they wish they had done differently.
Addressed the Issues Sooner
Almost every client I’ve worked with can point to a specific problem (money, parenting, communication) that they let go too long. They hoped it would resolve itself. It didn’t.
Issues don’t fix themselves in a marriage; they either get addressed or they get worse. If something feels wrong, don’t wait until it’s past the point of no return.
Had a Backup Plan
This one is harder to talk about, but I think it’s important.
Some clients, particularly those who stepped back from their careers to raise children, find themselves in a vulnerable position when divorce happens. They wish they had kept their skills current, gone back to school, or stayed more connected to their professional lives.
Thinking about your own financial independence within a marriage isn’t pessimistic. It’s responsible. And worth talking about.
A Final Thought
I’ve dedicated my career to helping people through divorce. But if I’m honest, nothing I do in my office is as valuable as the hard conversations couples have years before they ever need a lawyer.
The marriages I’ve seen survive aren’t perfect. They’re just the ones where two people decided to keep talking, even when it was uncomfortable.
If you do find yourself at a point where divorce becomes a reality, our team is here to help you navigate it with clarity and confidence. Schedule a divorce consultation today.
