Separating from a partner is exhausting in every way. When you add children to a separation it is even harder.
There are a lot of unknowns and things you don’t know how to plan for.
How often will I be able to see my children?
Will this ruin the relationship I have with my kids?
The questions are endless as you navigate this life-altering change.
You will still feel every hardship of your divorce, but these six tips will help make the transition less painful.
Tip 1: Prioritize Communication and Cooperation
Depending on the circumstances of your divorce you might be tempted to make things difficult for your ex. Don’t do it. For your sake. Your kids’ sake. And even for your partner’s sake.
Positive communication and cooperation with your children and their other parent will make a world of difference.
Spouse
Communicating with your spouse is unavoidable if you have children. You don’t have to shoot the breeze with them, but you do need to be able to talk logistics without losing your cool.
It will take work to figure everything out. You need to master a new schedule, make sure you’re on the same page about parenting your kids, and share important information so things don’t fall through the cracks. Even when things are maddening, prioritize peace for everyone’s benefit.
You can disagree and even dislike your partner while still keeping communication lines open and civil. This will make life easier for everyone involved.
Just because you need to communicate about your kids and other relevant topics doesn’t mean you have to be an open book about your life. Set boundaries that will help everyone feel respected and comfortable. Do this early on and at a time when neither person has heightened emotions.
You and your spouse will benefit from creating a positive co-parenting relationship based on cooperation and communication. Your kids will also benefit even if they aren’t old enough to realize how much less stressful it is to have divorced parents who can still be polite to one another.
Children
No matter their age, your kids will know that things aren’t the same when they are switching homes and only staying with one parent at a time. It is important to talk with your kids about the changes happening in your family and about what things will remain the same.
Be on the Same Page as Your Ex
The most successful co-parenting relationships start with a combined effort to create a narrative. Decide together what you will and won’t tell your kids about your divorce, what your goals are for your children, and how you will tell them about your separation.
As a part of your narrative construction conversation, create some ground rules. Common rules might include:
- Don’t use your children as a weapon
- Don’t lie
- Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt
- Don’t let your kids play you against each other
- Don’t argue in front of the kids
- Promise the kids that their schedule will change as little as possible
- Allow your kids to grieve in whatever ways they need to.
If you can, sit down together to tell your kids you are breaking up. Don’t place blame on anyone (even if there is clear blame to place). Be as neutral as possible and stick to the facts. Throughout your conversation reassure your kids that it isn’t their fault. Make it clear to your kids that even though you don’t love each other in the same way you will still love them in the same way.
Take time to answer their questions together. If your kids have more questions down the line answer the ones you can and be honest about not being able to answer the ones you can’t.
Communicate With Your Kids Regularly
You will likely see your children less often once you officially separate. Shared custody is standard so you probably won’t get to come home to your kids every night. Make the most of it by continuing to communicate with your kids on days they aren’t staying with you.
Be consistent. Call, text, or video chat them at the same time so they know they can still depend on you. If they reach out at an unscheduled time, be willing to talk or respond as soon as you can. Even if it is just a short text explaining why you can’t talk with the reassurance that you love them.
Not all kids will be able to communicate as often as you would like. They might be too young to be engaged by a phone call or in a busy time at school. Meet your kids where they’re at and find creative ways to talk with them.
Some creative ideas include:
- Send a fun letter or card to mix it up
- Send a video message for younger kids that they can save and play often
- Send a notebook back and forth where you can share stories or ask questions
- Email each other
- Marco Polo each other
- Watch the same movie at the same time and message each other
- Text them 3 memes or GIFs that describe your day every evening
- Ask them what their high and low were every day
Some children will have a hard time adjusting and a side effect will be ignoring you when they aren’t with you.
Be open to non-traditional methods of communication if your kid is having a hard time expressing themself in traditional ways. Let them know you love them, but don’t push them to do something they aren’t ready to do.
Tip 2: Focus on Your Children's Well-being
Kids will respond to separation in different ways. The best thing you can do for your kids is keep as much the same as possible.
Keep them in the same school, extra-curricular activities, clubs, and neighborhood if possible. If they have to move to another city or state, find ways to keep their interests a priority. Seek out the same types of music lessons, sports, or other activities in your new area.
Even if you are doing all you can to help your children, they can still act out or be emotional. Don’t take it personally or feel that your children don’t see all you are doing to maintain continuity in their lives.
Boundary-pushing and big feelings are normal for kids during a divorce. Be patient and understanding. Reassure them of your love and the faith you have in them to be successful in this new dynamic and with any other struggles they might face in life.
If your child is struggling, be open to therapy. Many children of divorce see a therapist to help them cope with the adjustment. It isn’t shameful and often isn’t a long-term commitment.
Tip 3: Take Care of Yourself
It will be easy to put all of your energy into your kids and neglect yourself at this time. Make sure you are reserving the time and energy you need to be healthy for yourself.
Physical Health
Many people will neglect their physical health during a divorce. Some people will get so anxious they won’t eat. Others will overeat because of their feelings. Some people will stop sleeping or push themselves too hard physically.
If you have been through something stressful before, you probably already know what bad physical habits you revert to during stress. Be aware of those and strive to eat well, get enough sleep, and move your body.
Sleep and exercise are important not only for good physical health but for good mental health as well.
Mental Health
This period of your life will be emotional. Don’t try to ignore your negative feelings. Find productive ways to address and release them.
Positive Mental Health Practices
You will want to figure out what helps you maintain a positive headspace. You can try different practices to see what works for you. The following are good places to start:
- Stay on any mental health medications you already take
- See a therapist
- Meditate
- Exercise
- Journal
- Continue or develop a relaxing hobby
- Get out of the house
- Spend time face-to-face with people you love
- Deep breathing
- Yoga
You don’t need to make mental health hobbies a part-time job. A few minutes a day can be helpful. The best way to protect your mental health is to simply be aware of your thoughts and feelings.
Avoid Non-Productive Thoughts
One of the hardest parts of mental health during a divorce is learning how to manage your thoughts and emotions. It is hard, but you need to learn how to let go of non-productive thoughts.
If you are struggling with negative thoughts, do not let yourself spiral. Creating a child custody agreement that works for everyone can be draining. It is easy to fall into destructive thought patterns and believe the worst.
One of the most common worries of dads during a separation is that they won’t get custody of their kids. It is often assumed that moms always win custody. In modern times courts try to split custody in ways that keep the connections with both parents.
If you are worried about custody, be proactive. Start by being aware of what can work against you and avoid any behavior that might jeopardize your chances of custody or visitation rights.
Tip 4: Evaluate your Finances and Budget
There is no escaping financial changes during a divorce. Even if you already kept separate financial accounts there will be ramifications to your separation. Take time to look at your day-to-day expenses as well as your future financial goals.
Day-to-Day Finances
The first financial thing you will need to do is create a realistic budget. Figure out how much money you will need for normal expenses, emergencies, and savings. Take into account rent or a mortgage on your own, utilities, groceries, transportation, medical insurance, half or more of your kids’ expenses, and any extras, such as travel, hobbies, and entertainment.
If you have been the higher earner in your relationship, prepare for alimony and/or child support payments. Do not assume you won’t have court-ordered financial responsibilities. On the other side of this, if you were the lower wage earner prepare yourself to advocate for spousal support.
You will also need to make a lot of formal changes. Common ones you will need to do:
- Open separate checking, savings, and credit card accounts if you haven’t already
- Contact HR to have paychecks deposited in your new account
- Change account information on any auto-pay bills
- Remove your spouse as an authorized user on any of your credit cards
- Figure out health insurance if you are not the policyholder
There are multiple things you won’t be able to finalize until you have a divorce decree. At that point, you can finalize a budget and remove yourself or your partner from all joint accounts and assets based on your divorce agreement.
Future Finances
Once you have your everyday finances taken care of, look at the impact divorce will have on your future finances. Think about your goals and the goals you have for your kids. Will things change now that you are separating? Will you split any assets or future costs?
Consider the following:
- Retirement accounts
- Social Security
- Homeownership
- Kids’ future (college, weddings, cars)
- Large purchases
Decide what is feasible and make savings goals to ensure your divorce doesn’t derail your future financial goals.
Get Outside Help
Many aspects of your finances will change when you legally separate. Do not hesitate to work with a financial expert. They will make sure you don’t overlook anything important.
Tip 5: Build a Support Network
No man is an island. You will need people to rely on during and after your divorce. Don’t be shy about your need for support. Establish a network of people who will be there for you so you aren’t floundering when you need someone.
Family
If you have strong relationships with members of your family you are off to a great start. Rely on them for emotional and physical support. If they’re geographically close they will be indispensable now that you are a single parent.
If you and your ex deem it appropriate, maintain a relationship with your ex-family. This can make things easier for your kids and can give you back up when you need help. If bridges have been burned or your partner doesn’t want you to keep in touch with their family, respectfully walk away.
Chances are you will still come into contact with them at events for your kids. In those instances, you can be cordial while you follow their lead.
Friends
Friends are an asset at any stage of life. If you have friends you can rely on, let them know that you need them. If you don’t have good friends, find ways to make some. It will likely mean going outside of your comfort zone, but in the end, it will be worth it to have some new people in your life who bring you joy.
You can and should maintain friendships with mutual friends of your ex-partner. They can offer you support, but make sure they know they don’t have to pick sides. Allow them to remain close to your ex and provide support to both of you.
Co-workers
If you are close to your co-workers you can tell them about your divorce as a friend.
If you aren’t close to your co-workers it is still valuable to let them know what you are going through. They don’t need to know all the details, but making your boss and team members aware of your divorce allows them to understand why you might need more time off or some help completing tasks.
Your co-workers can’t help you if they don’t know you need help. Don’t hesitate to be open with your boss and ask for accommodations if you need them. There might be deadlines you will miss for mediation or court dates or a few mental health days you will want to take.
Support Group
Consider a support group for single dads or divorcees. Divorce support groups are helpful on a therapeutic level as well as for making friends.
Some support groups provide group therapy. If you have the option for group therapy, give it a try. It can be helpful to hear about others going through the same things at the same time as you.
Tip 6: Seek Legal Counsel Who Fits Your Needs
The attorney you work with can decide the atmosphere of your divorce. Hire an attorney who understands the divorce and child custody process and wants to make it as smooth as possible.
On top of a knowledgeable attorney, you will want a realistic attorney. You will not win in every category of your divorce. You will have to give in some areas—anyone who tells you otherwise is just trying to get hired.
Hiring the right attorney can keep tensions, billable hours, and resentment low. You want to work with someone who will set you and your ex up for success so your children are also set up for success.
Going through a divorce and custody battle might be the hardest thing you ever go through. You can manage the difficulties that will arise with the tips in this article. Are there any that you would add?
