Talking to your children about getting divorced is one of the hardest parts of the entire divorce process. You and your children will likely feel strong emotions, fear the unknown, and have many questions about what life will look like with your new arrangement.
While it will not be an easy conversation, it is important to sit your kids down shortly after a decision has been made to tell them that you and your partner will be getting divorced. As you are preparing to tell your kids about your imminent divorce, keep in mind that different age groups will need different reassurances and information as you break the news.
What Every Kid Needs to Hear When Their Parents Are Getting Divorced
All children, no matter their age, need to hear and feel the same basic things when they learn their parents are getting divorced. Divorce is a threat to the stability of the life they know. What you say and the way you say it can help ease some of your children’s fears from the get-go.
Be a Unified Front
Unless you absolutely cannot be in the same room as your spouse, you should plan to tell your kids you are getting divorced together. Kids do best when both parents tell them they are separating or divorcing. If you present a unified front your kids are less likely to feel like they are in the middle or being pulled from side to side.
Your children should never feel like they have to pick sides or that one parent is in the wrong (even if they are). Do all you can to remain neutral and to present all information from both parties in “we” statements. Instead of assigning blame, say things like, “We are no longer happy together,” or “We believe we will both be mentally healthier if we are apart.”
There will be a time and a place for you to share age-appropriate information with your children about why you are getting divorced, but it won’t be in the first divorce conversation that you have with them.
Offer Stability
More than anything, children will want an immediate sense of stability. They will have lots of questions and will instantly wonder what will change.
Where will they live? What will the child custody arrangement be? When will everything happen?
You will probably not be able to answer every question they have right away, but you can reassure your kids that they will be supported and continue to have their physical and emotional needs met.
Be specific about what will change and what will stay the same. Consider:
Living Arrangements: Will one or both parents be moving?
School: Will your kids be attending the same school or will a new home mean a new school? Will their pickup or drop-off routines change?
Extra-curriculars: Will they be able to take the same lessons, play on the same teams, and be involved in the same clubs they are now or will certain activities have to end because of time or budget constraints?
Other variable circumstances: For example, if one parent is a stay-at-home parent will they have to work now?
Make things related to the divorce as easy for your kids as possible by continuing to offer reassurance and by providing what information you can throughout the entire process.
Answer Their Questions
Even if you think you have covered all of the basics, your children will inevitably have more questions and concerns. Take time to carefully consider how your kids feel and attempt to assuage some of their fears by answering the questions they have.
Have boundaries in place with your spouse to ensure no one is sharing more than they should. Once you have filed for divorce or legal separation be careful to honor any information-sharing restrictions you agree to in mediation or initial family court hearings.
How to Discuss Divorce With a Preschooler
Talking to preschool-aged kids about divorce is simultaneously simpler and harder than you expect it to be. It is simple because your explanations should be truthful and straightforward. It is difficult because this age group will have a hard time grasping exactly what is happening.
Be patient and willing to meet them at their level and you will be able to help them understand what is happening.
Remember: Specific and Simple
Children at this age need literal explanations for what is happening. Don’t attempt to share metaphors or stories to explain what is happening, because they will take everything literally. Specific, but simple information is the most useful to this youngest group of children.
Share with them specifics of what will change and what won’t change. As has been said, children need stability. The best way to provide stability for a toddler is to continually reassure them of what in their life won’t change.
Prep For Success
Even with initial reassurance, be prepared to repeat things many times. Children at this age typically need multiple reminders and that will only be more true if they feel their routine is threatened.
Be patient as they need to be reminded of what will and will not be changing with their parents’ divorce.
Frequent Reminders
Prepping a toddler for a divorce will be a continual process. Toddlers find repetition of information comforting; keep offering them the same reassurances on repeat.
Give reminders like, “Mom won’t be staying with us anymore in 5 days, but remember she will still see you every Thursday and Friday at her new house. Thursday is dance lesson day and Friday is the day after that.”
Toddlers will need reminders of your love in addition to practical reminders. This is especially true as they learn to trust that their non-custodial parent isn’t leaving them for good just because they aren’t living with them anymore.
Show Love Often
Be clear that mom and dad are leaving each other, but mom and dad will never leave the child even if one of them is gone physically. Let them know they can always video call the other parent when they are away.
Use technology to keep the other parent involved when they are gone. Young kids benefit most from frequent exposure to both parents. It is developmentally important to keep a parent-child relationship strong at this age even if the parent and child aren’t living together.
All toddlers need an abundance of reassurance and love at this age regardless of their parents’ marital status. Divorce might make them think they have done something wrong. Find ways to remind them that they are loved, in a stable environment, and that they are not responsible in any way for what mom and dad are currently going through.
How to Discuss Divorce With Elementary-Aged Children
Divorce is often presumed to be hardest on this age group. Kids in elementary school are young enough to not understand adult motivations, but old enough to know and feel more than they let on. Keep that in mind when breaking the news and be honest, but delicate.
Be Truthful
It is important to be honest and share why things are happening because kids of this age will often be able to tell when you are lying or trying to cover up something uncomfortable.
You still want to be age-appropriate and shy away from sharing gruesome details, but make it clear that your relationship doesn’t work because of X, Y, and Z. Sharing specifics about why your marriage doesn’t work anymore will help dispel any notion that reunification is possible.
Be Conscious of Their Feelings
Kids at this age will understand and feel more than toddlers; take time to address their feelings, but don’t force them to share if they don’t want to. This is a difficult task with a hard line to ride.
It helps to use generalizations, such as, “Most kids feel sad when their parents get divorced, I am here for you if you feel sad,” as opposed to asking kids at this age if they are feeling sad directly. This allows them the opportunity to open up to you but also lets them know you are aware of them if they don’t want to talk about their feelings.
How to Discuss Divorce With a Middle Schooler
As children move on to middle school they start to mature at different paces. With this age group, start with the basics and allow them to ask questions for more information as they feel comfortable. This will help your child set the pace and level of conversation and will prevent you from wondering how mature they are and what they can handle.
Don’t Underestimate Them
Middle Schoolers are smart, savvy, and motivated. Don’t baby this age group or make them feel like they can’t understand what is happening. They will get the information they want from other sources if they think you are holding back because they are too young.
The tone of conversation with this age group will be more mature, but the content might be very similar to what is shared with an elementary-aged child. Then they can drive the conversation forward if they want to and it can get more detailed or deeper.
Don’t be surprised if middle schoolers ask deeper questions than you are anticipating, especially if you have a good relationship with your child.
Watch for Problems
Children in this age group typically feel stress more than the younger age groups, but they might not acknowledge it. This can lead to physical manifestations of stress. Be on the lookout for stomach aches or headaches, unexplained nausea, or other physical symptoms that can be caused by stress or anxiety.
How to Discuss Divorce With a High Schooler
When talking to high schoolers about divorce the biggest thing to remember is that they are children who understand things like adults. They might have guessed a divorce is coming and will be appreciative of straightforward information.
Set Boundaries
It can be easier to see older children as friends, especially in difficult times. Set and keep boundaries and don’t talk to your kids the same way you would as a friend even though they’re older. It can hurt their relationship with the other parent and place an undue burden on them to help you solve your problems.
Just as you would with younger kids, don’t overshare inappropriate details. Start out with basic information and share details that feel comfortable to share and that don’t pit you against your partner.
How to Discuss Divorce With Multiple Age Groups At Once
If you have more than one kid you will likely be addressing all of your kids at the same time for your initial divorce conversation. If this is the case, speak at the lowest-aged child’s level and to their understanding. Then agree to talk to your older kids in more detail later.
Allow all kids to ask any questions they need to, but let older kids know you will take their harder or deeper questions later when their younger siblings aren’t present.
Keep Talking to Your Kids
The initial conversation you have with your children about divorce will set the precedent for how future conversations will go. If you are open and easy to talk to, your kids will feel comfortable talking to you about their concerns, frustrations, hardships, and more surrounding the divorce.
Keep communication open so they can ask questions beyond the first discussion. Help your kids feel like your divorce isn’t a taboo topic so they can come to you in times of need.
Remember that conflict in front of your children causes them stress which can lead to physical and mental health declines in children of divorced parents. Don’t create conflict by speaking negatively about your spouse at any point during or after the initial divorce conversation.
There are a lot of things to think about when you’re considering how to discuss divorce with children. In the end, the most important thing is to remember that your number one goal is to provide stability where possible. All other tips and tricks lend themselves to that goal.
