Holidays are meant to be a time of joy, family, and togetherness. However, for divorced or separated parents, the holiday season can bring added stress as they navigate child custody arrangements.
Balancing traditions, schedules, and emotions can be challenging, but keeping the child’s well-being at the center of these decisions can make the season smoother for everyone.
Here are my top 7 tips on how to make the holidays merry and bright while sharing custody.
1. Plan Ahead
The holiday season can sneak up quickly, so it’s important to start planning early. Discussing holiday custody arrangements in advance allows both parents to make plans and reduces last-minute conflicts.
Review your custody agreement/order for any existing terms regarding holidays, as many such controlling documents already include specific guidelines.
Open and respectful communication is essential. Talk with your co-parent about expectations and preferences, and be clear about travel plans, visiting relatives, or special family traditions. By getting on the same page ahead of time, you can avoid unnecessary stress as the holiday approaches.
And remember, even if your ex screws up your plans, don’t expect last minute sympathy from the judge. Everyone has a holiday “emergency” close to the holidays and the court cannot handle all the requests for special attention. If you don’t have everything worked out at least 2-3 months in advance, don’t be afraid to file a court motion to entice good faith negotiations from the other party. If you end up having to go to court, at least the judge will probably give you points for timely bringing it to the court for a decision before your scheduled trip.
2. Be Flexible
Flexibility is key when co-parenting during the holidays.
There are various holiday custody schedules. One popular holiday custody arrangement is alternating holidays each year—one parent may have the child for Thanksgiving, while the other gets Christmas, then switching the following year. This ensures that both parents can spend meaningful time with the child during these special moments.
In some cases, it may make sense to split the holiday itself. For example, one parent might have the child for Christmas morning, and the other can have them for the afternoon and evening. Be open to adjusting the schedule as needed, especially if travel or special events complicate things. Flexibility shows the child that their happiness is the priority.
Spoiler: when it comes to custody (or divorce in general), it’s rare to get everything that you want. Compromise is key.
3. Focus on Your Child’s Experience
A common phrase we use in family law is “the best interest of the child”.
While it’s natural for parents to want to spend as much time as possible with their children during the holidays, it’s essential to focus on what will make the child’s experience positive and enjoyable. Keep their needs and desires at the forefront of your planning.
If your child is old enough, consider asking them how they’d like to spend the holidays. They may have preferences about which traditions are most important to them or which relatives they’d like to see. Encouraging open dialogue helps the child feel heard and valued.
Avoid bad mouthing your co-parent (this advice extends outside the holiday season). Not only will this taint the holidays for your child, but it also puts them in an unfair position. Vent to your therapist about your ex, not your child.
4. Create New Traditions
In a co-parenting situation, the holidays might not look exactly the way they did when you were together. This can be hard at first, but it also provides an opportunity to create new, special traditions. If your child is spending Christmas Day with the other parent, why not create your own “Christmas Eve Eve” celebration on December 23rd?
Building separate traditions can help your child look forward to their time with both parents. You can include special activities, favorite meals, or new routines that are unique to your time together. Involving extended family members like grandparents or cousins can add another layer of joy and stability to these new traditions.
5. Use a Holiday Child Custody Calendar
One practical tool to help manage holiday custody is a shared calendar system. Apps like Google Calendar or co-parenting platforms like OurFamilyWizard allow both parents to coordinate schedules and make adjustments as needed. This ensures that everyone is on the same page, reducing misunderstandings or forgotten plans.
For younger children, a visual holiday calendar can help them feel more secure and prepared. You can mark the days they’ll be with each parent, so they know what to expect. This can ease any anxiety or confusion they might feel about the holiday schedule.
6. Maintain Open Lines of Communication with Coparent
During the holidays, it’s especially important to keep open lines of communication with your co-parent. If the child expresses a desire to call or video chat with the other parent during a celebration, honor that request. This fosters a sense of connection and reduces any feelings of separation the child might experience.
Be sure to keep your co-parent updated on any changes in plans or unexpected developments. If a family event runs late or travel plans change, communicate openly and respectfully to avoid conflicts. When disagreements arise, stay focused on finding a solution that prioritizes the child’s well-being and minimizes stress.
7. Involve a Family Law Mediator if Needed
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, holiday custody arrangements can become contentious. If communication breaks down or if scheduling conflicts seem impossible to resolve, involving a neutral third party may be the best option. A family law mediator can help facilitate a peaceful discussion that keeps the focus on the child’s best interests.
Mediation is especially helpful if parents have a hard time compromising or if past conflicts have made co-parenting difficult. By working with a mediator, both parents can ensure that holiday custody decisions are made fairly, reducing the emotional toll on the entire family.
Conclusion
Handling child custody during the holidays can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be a source of undue stress. By planning ahead, staying flexible, and prioritizing your child’s needs, you can create a holiday season filled with love and warmth—regardless of where your child spends each day.
Remember, holidays are about building positive memories, and a peaceful co-parenting arrangement can make this time of year special for everyone involved.
